SETTING BOUNDRIES

One of the most vital components to creating a happy, healthy and excellent relationship is to master the art of setting boundaries. Simply put, boundaries are what set the space between where you end and the other person begins.

Here are basic steps to begin setting boundaries in your relationships:

Step 1: Recognize and acknowledge your own feelings: To set effective boundaries, we must be able to know what we actually are feeling. Did this person’s critical comment make me feel bad? Is this person making me feel overwhelmed or drained?    The problem with many of us who have weak boundaries in relationships is that we become so enmeshed by the other person’s “stuff” that we have no idea what it is that we ourselves are feeling. By taking the time to break away, reflect, and really check in with yourself, you are then consciously making the distinct difference between yourself and the other person.

Step 2: Recognize how your boundaries have been crossed: So now looking at your feelings, pause and reflect on how your boundary has been crossed. Is this person always asking to borrow money from you but they never pay you back? Do you find yourself always answering your friend’s text or phone calls late at night and it’s causing you to lose sleep? Is this person always making critical comments towards you? Does this person always seem to have problems that you always have to help them with? Do you have a client who always shows up late for your appointments?

Step 3: Recognize how you need to set your boundary: Once you can recognize what actually is causing you to feel overwhelmed, drained, or simply bad, then decide what it is that you need to say to this person.     So if the person is always borrowing money from you but never paying you back, then you may need to tell them that you are not letting them borrow anything else until you get paid back what you’ve already given. If it’s a friend who is always texting or calling you late at night when you’re trying to sleep, study or meditate then maybe you want to tell them that you can’t talk now or you can quit responding all together. If someone keeps making critical comments towards you, then you can tell them that you don’t appreciate being spoken to in that manner and that you would not accept it.  If it’s a friend who seems to always have problems for you to listen to and it’s draining your energy, then its high time to politely disapprove of it or say something like, “Pal, I know you’re in pain, but I have some of my own stuff to do right now.”

Step 4: Get grounded: When boundaries in relationships have been weak it's either:There is backlash from the other person or You feel guilty.    For this reason, it is extremely important to get grounded within yourself. We can do this by simply taking the time to do some breath work, meditation, or to tune in with your body.  Also, remember that your emotions are valid. For that reason, you are not wrong for setting your boundary. In fact, you are taking care of yourself, which is something that must be done above all others.

Step 5: Voice it:  Make your boundary known — communicate it to the other person. Keep in mind that if there is any backlash from the other person or if they want to argue, then it may be best to simply just walk away and focus on taking care of yourself.  The reality is that if there is a backlash then the other person isn’t respecting your boundary. If we acknowledge their disrespect by arguing with them, then we are giving them what they want: A weakness of our boundary. By acknowledging and focusing on their backlash we are then subconsciously telling them that we are not grounded within ourselves and confident in what we want.So do not give them the benefit of an argument.

Step 6: Take care of yourself: If setting the boundary brought up any backlash or feelings of guilt, then be sure to take care of yourself. Go for a walk, exercise, be out in nature, etc. Do something to help yourself get re-centered and don’t spend too much (or any) energy focusing on what happened.Be happy!   So even if someone else wants to talk about the “drama” of what happened, then just don’t even go there. Tell them you don’t want to talk about it, because when we do that we keep the stress and fear-based thinking alive, So be wise.

In conclusion it is important that boundaries are always set in the most polite manner, in order that respect is not lost and enmity does not erupt.

YOU ARE A LEADER!!!